24/11/24
Then we will have begun.
Of all the homilies that I try to piece together, the ones that seek to address the issue of Domestic violence are some of the most challenging. For one thing, it's such a heinous crime. What on earth does one say?
And for another, it should be mind blitheringly obvious as to where mother church sits on this issue. I really shouldn’t have to say anything at all. Further, I long for the day when there is no more domestic violence, there is no more work to do and I won’t have to try to put sensible words together about such a nonsensical issue.
But a few things, which sadly need saying again and then a reflection about where I think the problem might begin.
I want to start by being crystal, shiny, sparkly clear that domestic violence against another person in any form is sin. It is sin because it fails to treat that person as someone worthy of love. Quite the opposite in fact. It treats the person as an object to be used.
Or put another way, violence is evil, violence is unacceptable as a solution to problems, and violence is unworthy of us. We are better than this… aren’t we? Violence is a lie, for it goes against the truth of our faith, the truth of our humanity. Violence destroys what it claims to defend: the dignity, the life, the freedom of human beings.
Men and women are both born with the same imprint of a loving God. One is neither superior or inferior to the other; they are both made in the image of God. Neither has power or authority over the other and neither has reason to lord it over them.
The numbers are not good for the confronting topic of domestic violence. About 1 in 4 women and 1 in 9 men experience severe intimate partner violence according to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence.
https://www.thehotline.org/
So the odds are that you actually know someone who has been affected, or you may have survived domestic violence yourself.
These numbers are real people, with real lives, hopes, dreams, aspirations and potential. Their lives matter. They matter. These people will always matter. They are important and they are loved. They bring to this world things no one else could. The tears and grief of those left behind is authentic and if we were at one of the understandable rallies that are called, the angst would be almost holdable.
Sadly some abused people carry the heavy and unnecessary burden of thinking that the Church’s teaching on the permanence of marriage requires them to stay in an abusive relationship. They may hesitate to seek a separation or divorce. They may fear that they cannot re-marry in Church. Violence and abuse, not divorce, break up a marriage. The abuser has already broken the marriage covenant through his or her abusive behaviour. Abused persons who have divorced can in time, if they wish, remarry. In these cases, it can be argued that the marriage is pretty much over the moment abuse happens. Where a spouse and children are experiencing violence and abuse, “separation becomes inevitable” and even “morally necessary” for their safety.
How do we begin to shift our understanding so that this scourge is obliterated from our society and I will never have to preach about this again? I think it begins with the word Respect. We get to the point of respect when we learn to look upon everyone (without any exception) as ‘another self’;
The first but significant step is to look upon our own selves as something beautiful, something exquisite and something lovely. When we KNOW that we are a creature of God, a child of God. When we know that as a person we can shine forth the lovely light of Christ then we will have begun… When we begin to see ourselves as God sees us… then we will have begun.
The next step is to see everyone else as God sees them. When we do this, when we look upon our neighbour as another ‘me’ then we will have come some way into conquering this evil.
These 16 days of activism should be a time to refocus and remember our own attitudes, words, thinking and actions, towards ourselves and others.
When we understand that as a church and as individuals we are complicit when we are silent… then we will have begun…
When we hear and respond to those in need then we will have begun.
When survivors understand and accept that they’re just that — they’re glorious survivors, they are not victims. Then we will have begun.
When clergy and lay people become educated in the tactics and red flags of abuse then we will have begun.
As individuals and as church, we can and should be God’s messengers of love, liberation and peace, for everyone, especially those enduring the torment of domestic violence. Let us be sensitive but strong in our response and let us be compassionate but firm in our resolve to bring God’s liberating grace to victims of domestic violence everywhere.
And for those who have died, we pray for you, light candles for you and carry forward your legacy. So let us smile more, be kinder, create a safe and caring environment for our children and be resilient and fierce.
We can do this … We need to do this. We must begin.
(Tune: Abide with me)
In shadows deep, where voices mourn and cry,
We gather here, where silent sorrows lie,
Through broken hearts and spirits torn by fear,
We hold each other close, for God is near.