Meet Your Next Parish Priest.
Some time between the time of Fr. Donald announcing that he was leaving and the interview with your nominators, a discussion would have taken place. It probably finished with the Bishop saying
“Of course you can ask for God to come. I’ll try my best, but no promises”
Well, look what happened. The bishop failed you badly; you did not get God and instead … well.. you know what you got.
Today it is still bad news, and so I tell it as it is. Straightforward, no cattle droppings.
First, my successor will not be God. I’m terribly sorry about this. Some of you will even be a bit surprised, let down and disappointed. But no, God is not going to come and live in the rectory and drive the parish car.
We did in fact try to court and seduce him into accepting this role. His favourite table was set at Chez Jeanine, the best stilton cheese freshly imported and a very fine single malt whisky was purchased at vast expense.
Somewhere between the Filet mignon and the cognac-soaked berries with whipped cream and chocolate brownies, we tried to suavely persuade God that it was his will to come, but He graciously declined.
We got the same response from the Archangels Michael, Gabrielle and Raphael. All said that they were far too busy. Michael was still waging war with the dragon, Raphael tending the sick, and Gabrielle finding and announcing to unsuspecting teenage lasses in backwater towns that… well, you know how it goes.
So no dice with getting an Archangel.
I’m terribly sorry to say… and this will be harsh, but it is the truth and clergy must never lie … sigh… the truth is you are going to get another Human being. I know it’s not ideal and will irk you, but a human being is all we have. God was quite adamant that a human being is exactly what you need.
So a real live flesh-and-blood human being it is. A sinner is what you are getting. Disgraceful and distressing, I know, but there you have it.
But it gets worse.
As a Human being and a sinner, they will have flaws and foibles. They will sin in dazzling style… repeatedly. They will let you down, make mistakes and will in short disappoint you… frequently.
As a Human being, they will have unfortunate, unsociable habits far too grotesque and heinous to be named here in these holy surrounds.
But it gets even worse than that.
They will come with a history. Some of it might be a bit shiny, but most of it will be hidden from you, particularly the murky, shonky bits. For example, there was that rather unfortunate incident with a giraffe that can never be mentioned and somebody was sure that they counted not one, but two empty wine bottles in their recycle bin. It took some doing to open the lid and look all the way down with a torch at 3:00am, but the source of this fable was reported on a fashionable social media platform, so it must be true.
It is likely, but not certain, that your next priest will come with a family of some description, so you will never have your vicar's full and undivided attention and energy. There will be times when they will have to say a polite ‘No, thank you. I’m unavailable for personal reasons’
But it gets even worse! If they do come with family, you will have to spend an inappropriate amount of time and energy working out how to care for not only the Vicar, but also their family as well. Do they practice a faith? Does it matter whether they are the same gender as your priest? If they happen to have a faith, are they a faithful pew sitter, ordained, do they want to run the Mothers Union, The Guild and every second morning tea, or do they practise a completely different faith which has nothing to do with parish life at all?
And will it matter what gender they are, if their gender is identifiable or if, in fact, it is anyone's business? And what if they have children? Six snotty-nosed, swearing, peeing, burping, pooing, grubby little urchins who loudly sprout schoolyard humour and whose favourite church practice is viciously carving their names into the choir stalls.
But… there are some teeny weeny bits of sugar, and after all that wild speculation, this is the serious truth. Your next priest will not be David Oulton. They will not have his many weaknesses and defects. This should be a refreshing and enlivening thing for you and the parish. A huge relief.
The next priest will come with their own God-given gifts. There are some things that they will be smashingly good at, and it will be your solemn responsibility to work out what those gifts are and to encourage them. To affirm, congratulate and rejoice in them.
The other bit of sugar is something you know well. No priest stays forever. One day they will leave. They either die, resign, retire, go insane or go to jail. Or they can do a combo deal. Resigning and then going to jail is the most popular of the combo deals.
Upon hearing all this bad news, perhaps a little prayer might be of some help with your distress
To live in the midst of the world with no desire for its pleasures
To be a member of every family yet belonging to one.
To share all sufferings to penetrate all secrets to heal all wounds.
To go daily from you to God to offer him your homage and petitions. To return from God to you to assure you of his pardon and his hope. To have a heart of steel for chastity and a heart of fire for charity. To teach and instruct, to pardon and console, to bless and be blessed forever.