Palm Sunday 13/4/25
To Rupert Studmaster
Purveyor of fine beasts for sacrifice and personal use
Bethphage
Dear Rupert,
I thought that I had lost you forever because of our conversation.
But my fear that I might never see you again was actually unfounded. I have glimpsed you in the crowds from time to time and you were still listening. Sometimes excited and enthused about what I had to say. Sometimes you scowled and seemed to be furious. But you kept on turning up! And each time you did you gave me such a lift and simply by turning up, you encouraged me, especially when I had a bull droppings sort of day.
I remember the first time I met you. You were a wealthy young man who had great possessions and were so keen to justify yourself. You even addressed me as ‘good’ and I had to remind you that there is only one who is good. Even then you were trying to be charming and persuasive. It was almost a “look at me” opening line to what would turn out to be a rather difficult conversation. Undaunted, you pressed on and you asked me what you must do to inherit eternal life. It was almost as if you had ticked all the commandment boxes together with the appropriate tax bracket and now there was just one last teeny-weeny thing to tidy up. After that, you could rest easy. For you Rupert everything was a business transaction. I’ll do all of these things thus buying my way to eternal life. You knew my answer even before you spoke the question. Yes, of course, you had kept all the commandments. You had followed the law perfectly, but… the one thing you still lacked was a spirit of generosity and selflessness. A respect for the poor and marginalised, even those you particularly don’t like.
So I found myself trying to say the hard things graciously … again.
My response must have seemed abrasive and disappointing to your ears.
“One thing you still lack, go sell what you have and give to the poor.”
I could see the look of appalled horror that came over your face for I knew your share portfolio was substantial to say nothing of the real estate and livestock you had acquired.
Your reputation for high-end quality donkeys, mules, oxen, turtle doves, horses and sheep was unmatched in the surrounding countryside and your efforts to self-publicise on social media have been highly successful.
I had frequently walked past your station on the outskirts of Bethphage and admired your livestock, the size of your property and the homestead with its ever-increasing number and size of barns and storage sheds.
So I appreciate that I might well be the last person you want to hear from, but the reality is that I now need you much more than you think you need me.
So I thought I would chance my arm and ask you for a favour.
For reasons that you might come to understand sometime in the future, I need a donkey on Monday next week. The beast is only for a loan and will be returned to your stables before sundown the same day.
If you are agreeable I would send a couple of my friends to come and collect the donkey and its baby colt. My friends will want the beast to have a glamorous shiny coat. A well-fed brute but what I really need is a skanky manky beast. Something that you think should be slaughtered quickly and put out of its misery because it is a waste of your precious time and limited resources. You know the sort of beast I have in mind. The donkey that is shedding hair, is temperamental and bestial, whose ribs are almost visible. The more unattractive, embarrassing and repulsive the better. Something you would be pleased to be well shot of and has never been ridden before.
I appreciate that there might be very good reasons why you cannot, or will not be able to help but please know that you are not forgotten and indeed you never will be.
Kind Regards
Jesus Master Carpenter
Dear Jesus,
Thank you very much for your inquiry about the possibility of hiring a colt and ass on Monday.
We would be pleased to supply the same available for collection from sunrise at our property reception and to be returned by sunset on the same day. The beast is to be returned fed and watered and in the same condition as when collected.
We require photographic proof of identity before collection and indemnify ourselves against any injury or accident that might be caused to any person or property due to the beast’s behaviour.
We look forward to establishing a close working connection with you going into the future.
Regards
Rupert Barsabbas Esq.
Please find below the amount owing. We accept all major credit cards and direct debit.
Cost 27 pieces of silver plus GST. Total owing, 30 pieces of silver.