It Was What You Wanted … Wasn’t It?
You see I have to ask because I was never quite sure and I am even less certain now.
Offering your cheek to Judas seemed such a little but enormous, and irreversible act. Once you were arrested and taken away there was no turning back. Nothing could now ever be the same again.
I wanted to shout out after you. “No. Are you sure this is what you wanted?” Because in my heart it is never what I wanted.
And perhaps I wanted all the wrong things. To be the leader, to be the rock, to be the bobby dazzler, the protector, the cutter off of ears, and to be loyal unto death. I never wanted to deny or betray.
I wanted you to have a regal Throne. I wanted you to have a golden crown but you wanted something else instead. A splintery cross and a crown of thorns.
I wanted the crowds to demand your coronation, not your crucifixion.
You tried gently, valiantly, patiently to tell me.
You clearly spelt it out that I would deny you no less than three times and I was left indignant. I would never do such a thing. You have read me wrong if you think I would let you down.
But of course that is just what I did. Within the space of a few hours on that dark and chilly night, I repeatedly denied ever knowing you.
“I don’t know him. I don’t what you are talking about, I am not one of them”
And perhaps I wasn’t ever. I certainly don’t feel as though I am worthy to belong to you and the crew. And then you turned and looked at me. The look that I can still see. Some might think it was anger and disappointment. I saw only your love and forgiveness and that is why I went out and sobbed and sobbed… and sobbed. I was inconsolable for you knew me and loved me even when, especially when.
You literally looked right through me. Saw everything that was there, everything that was lacking and still wanted me. And when you know you are loved like that, then it is easy to want the things that the other wants.
So in that look, just after the rooster crowed, your eyes told me that this was indeed what you wanted and it would help all those who squirmed when confronted by the truth and found that the truth gave them indigestion. The things I wanted for you, were not the things you wanted at all. There were other things you wanted, that you needed. Other things that simply had to be. That needed to be. Spear and nails and wood and myrrh and blood and tears and a stranger’s tomb. Mocking and spit and belting and bruises.
These are the things that you wanted, that you chose, and somehow I have to want them too, even though I writhe away in horror and disgust. These are what you wanted because they are the only things where we can find authenticity, truth and undeniable love.
So I come back to my question.
It was what you wanted… wasn’t it… well wasn’t it?? All this?
And even as I mutter these words I sense that once again I am seeking your approval, a pat on the head, self congratulations. To do the right thing so that you will love me. Almost like a boisterous young panting puppy dog … did I get it right huh… huh?
This is not what you wanted. It is not what you wanted for me. What you wanted was for me simply to enjoy you. It was never a business transaction. I do the right thing and you give me a treat. What you wanted, what you longed for was always relationship. This is what you wanted all along and it took me far too long to catch on and to catch up.
Well, all is a bit of a garbled rant. I found some words from someone else and they sum up far better what I, Peter, am trying to say to you.
Lord,
When I am puffed up with myself,
Gilded
Over-egged
Full of self-importance
And empty of grace;
When I would rather shrink your vision to the limits of my own imagining,
than rise to praise the new horizons you have made;
When I would rather cobble together hasty platitudes and suffocate others with palaver,
than say the hard things graciously.
When I would rather cast doubts on the hurried solutions that I cobble together and make excuses for my faults.
Then, … look at me again with love,
Pierce the armour of my pride,
Stay the hand of my hasty activity, and bid me to put down my impetus sword.
See inside me.
Believe in me
And help me start again.