The question God asks us when we muck up is…
A reflection from Fr. David.
For Christmas I was given a splendid book called “Humans” by Brandon Stanton. Brandon travels the world to interview people and they offer a brief snap shot of their life. Sometimes its just a one liner like “I’ve seen a lot of death” from a person in a displaced persons site in South Sudan. Sometimes it's a youngster “There’s nothing hard about being four” from a child in New York. This child in Paris was particularly endearing “We’re eating cookies before lunch because Grandpa doesn’t have any rules.”
The book has a photo of each person that is interviewed.
But the one that smacked me in the right ear hole was from a gentleman from Colombia.
“I’ve been sitting here for four hours thinking about what I should do. I don’t want to go home. I *** up again. I’ve been a drug addict my whole life. But I was clean for three months. I got a job at a call centre. I was doing well. Then as soon as I got my pay-check, I went out drinking with some co-workers. Just a normal thing. But then I tried a little coke, went on a binge, and lost my job. Same story as always. And now I don’t want to go home. I live with my mother. She’s never lost faith in me. My brother was killed in the army so I’m her only son. She doesn’t deserve this. She was so happy that I had a job. She’d convinced herself that things were finally going to be OK. And I’ve got to go home and tell her what happened. And I don’t want to do it. She’s not even going to be mad. She’ll just be so hurt. Then she’ll ask me if I’ve eaten.” (Bogotá, Colombia)
It was such a candid piece and I related to it so strongly. I believe that it has much to teach us about our fallible, faulty ourselves and more importantly the forgiving nature of God.
Let's unpack what this guy says and see what we might learn.
“I’ve been sitting here for four hours thinking about what I should do. I don’t want to go home”
Our friend is clearly procrastinating. He knows what he needs to do and where he needs to go. He needs to go home and own up, but for very understandable reasons he doesn’t want to.
Then the very first important and hardest thing happens. “I *** up again.” The recognition that not only has he failed, but he has failed again. And for me, looking in on that admission there is a sense of grumpiness but also I want to say ‘Bravo’ for being brave enough to fess up and own up. To face not only what he has done but also the consequences of his actions.
Then the whole sorry story comes out. How he has always been a drug addict. Just like us, we have always been sinners. How he was doing so well and how his mum was so proud of him. Read God and the heavenly host enthusiastically cheering us on.
‘My mother has never lost faith in me’. Just as God has never lost faith in us. ‘My mother doesn’t deserve this’, just as God does not deserve this.
“And I’ve got to go home and tell her what happened. And I don’t want to do it.”
I know this feeling well. I have to go to my heavenly Father and tell him what has happened and I don’t want to because I am ashamed.
‘She’s not even going to be mad. She’ll just be so hurt’.
Whenever I have gone home to my heavenly Father He has never been mad. It’s why fessing up is such a painful experience. In some ways it might be easier if God got grumpy but he never does. He is saddened, yes; disappointed, frequently; tender, always. He always wants to be reconciled to me far more than I to Him. He is already at home waiting for me. In fact, He was probably on the front porch before I have even turned around and started walking home towards Him.
“Then she’ll ask me if I’ve eaten.”
And there it is. A ruling off, a new beginning, the offer of nurture and nourishment. That is how God loves us. Our fear of retribution and wrath was severely misplaced. Instead of a blazing blowtorch of indignation, we are fed and given what we need to go out and make a fresh start.
We believe in a God whose only concern is not retaliation and punishment. He does not say “What a naughty brat!” He does not ask “Why did you do this… again? What were you thinking?” The question God asks us when we muck up is…